I am slacking at work. There are deadlines after deadlines that I need to complete, but I find myself yearning to curl up in a blanket and not wake up till all of this is  over. I have no idea where to start from. I don’t even know what is it that I need to do. I’ve tried everything – made lists of things to do, told myself this is a life skill so it’s better if I learn it, get myself a piece of cake for each work that I completed – everything to motivate myself to work. And yet I am failing. Unlike last time, when I was running away to my friends, meeting them for breakfast, lunch and cake dates, I find myself staring at the screen for too long. I’ve even been avoiding meeting them or talking to them unless it is extremely necessary. And then there are the half written blog-posts. One of them is about the song Ticking by Phatcowlee.

I must have heard this song long time back, but it was during the final presentation in the slideshow night of Chyasal at Photo Kathmandu that I was taken aback. Standing next to Prasiit dai, whose photos about disappeared migrant workers were being presented, I felt goosebumps all over my skin as the song played in the background. This was in  October. After that, for almost a month or more, the song became my staple diet. It was the song that I went back to, every time I felt stuck. It was the first thing I heard in the morning and the last one in the night. It was, what you can say, my good morning and my goodnight song. The song I played, countless numbers of times in a day, both in the soundcloud and in my head. Maybe even in my dreams, because I remember waking up many times, debating on the lyrics.

2016 has been the year of repeated playlist, although I have to admit, I always had repeated playlists. But this time, it was more of a thematic repeated songs than just random ones I came across. At first it was Najeek by Bartika Eam Rai, somewhere in March, when I was just about to fall for some guy. Then it was Timrai Nai Ho by Tenzing Doleck when I fell for the  guy. Then came international pop songs – We Don’t Talk Anymore, Don’t Wanna Know, Starving followed by indie songs by artists like Oh Wonder, Of Monsters and Men, Bon Iver. This was when I was heartbroken, struggling to move on. And then came Ticking, when I found myself way too behind that others, when I felt stuck in my own story.

Even right now, at this very moment, I feel that the song is the perfect anthem for me. I feel like this song is about a character who chases life, but always finds himself falling behind the time. The clock, he feels, is  moving far ahead, the stories that are still left untold, dreams still have yet to  unfold. Right now, it perfectly matches my situation. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing right now. There are either too many things on my plate, and I find myself not having enough time to finish all of them or there are none. At times, I feel like I am trying to chase a train that moves way too fast for my slow and tired legs. I feel tired all the time. And all I want to do is curl up in the blanket and sleep. Till I feel fresh, till I feel okay. I don’t know why but I don’t feel really okay. Till the clock and I are in the same pace.

My favorite line from the song is – Niyati lai k ko dosha, karma ko yo chhala – meaning fate is not to be blamed if it’s the fault of destiny.  Or is it the other way around, I don’t which is karma and which is niyati between the fate and destiny and what is the difference between the two? I also don’t know who is to blame anymore. I guess nobody, for whatever has happened was meant to happen whether I like it or not. And if there’s someone to blame, then it’s my own incompetencies. I don’t know when I will ever get out of this phase. Till then I am going back to the song. Because tik tik gardai aghi, badhyo ghadi… pachhadi, dherai pachhadi ma.

Image of a line taken from the song is made with Notegraphy.