Bhav‘s A5 Ring Notebook for bullet journal and Planner for logging and tracking while a journal gifted by A. from her trip to Europe for my regular journaling.
I thought I was finally fixing my fucked up life. One journal page at a time. One planner entry at a time. One project mapping at a time. One habit tracking at a time. I came back to the normal planner and journal on March after realizing that my life is a chaos and I needed to bring it back to my comfort zone. After a much needed discussion with A, I decided to go back to the normal writing journaling and normal planner planning. (More on that here.) After spending two months planning and journaling like I did last year, by logging my days and habit tracking in the planner while logging my feelings in my journal, I thought I could go beyond.
On May, I decided to try bullet journaling only to fail. Again. I realized, once again, like I have always done so, so many times before that journaling and planning needs discipline, especially when you are mixing both. On May though, I came up with a technique halfway through the month and decided to give it a full blown try on June. And I was happy. I could see myself turning into a new leaf with turning 25. Life was finally falling back into places. I was finally tracking my life with logs, to-dos, journals, thoughts, lists, tracking.
But on June, life decided to fuck me up again. A week after the start of the month, life brought me to the same place where I was, a year ago. At the same point, doing the same thing. My whole tracking was lost as I forgot about planning and logging and tracking and journaling. My only goal was to keep sane with all the chaos that was happening. Everything happened so fast that I lost track of time. It’s already the end of the month and I haven’t even logged about a day after the first week of June. I haven’t journaled. I haven’t written anything except a short musing or two.
I feel vacant now. Almost empty. Wanting to write more, track more, log more. But I don’t know where to start. I am back at the same junction I was before. I need to be back in my comfort zone. I am wondering if I will ever be able to move beyond comfort zone right now. Will I ever be comfortable with the comfort zone itself? Will I find my comfort zone now that I have lost home and am again filled up with holes that I thought never existed? Will I be able to go back to my life? What is my life anyway?
These thoughts keep haunting me into the late night as I wonder what will happen next. How do I go back to the world of tracking and logging? What will I write about? What will I talk about in my blogs and journals? If not the same old thing but losing and grieving. If not the same old thing about searching and wondering.